Twenty plus years ago I entered a storm. The darkness within me was impossible to see two feet in front of me. I couldn’t think outside of myself. I had nothing to give others. I could barely keep my head above water. The feeling of being tossed around in the wind was overwhelming at times. The only way to manage the storm was to take anti-depressants and sometimes hide or run. The drugs numbed me to the point I didn’t care if I was tossed here or there but I also lost who I was. Mental illness has so many layers. The brain is a complicated organ, which appears to work better for some than others.
I’ve been slowly zapping one storm cloud at a time. The sunshine shines more and more these days and I am trying so very hard to hold onto the light. That’s a challenge given it’s easy to fall back into your old mental habits. I no longer take anti-depressants and I feel more myself than I have in years. Having said that, it’s a challenge everyday to keep my head above water and to be okay with all that I am. Today was not a good day as the voices were loud but they will quiet again and it will pass.
About 4 years ago, I evaluated what was causing my storm and how I could zap at least some of those storm clouds:
- WORK: A good part of my storm was being employed in a company for 16 years that didn’t value me. I let them get into my head. I felt worthless. I looked to them for validation. They squashed my spirit to the point I didn’t really know who I was. I do realize that wasn’t there job to validate me but there are better ways to go about empowering employees. I now have a new job that gives me the flexibility and I have a partner that values me. All though the business is a bit slow right now; I have confidence that clients will start coming in the next few months. The universe is just easing me into it.
- PASSION: Finding my passion. This is a work in progress. I’ve made a point of doing things that make me smile this past year. I am doing more of what I love. Being around people I love. I have yet to find my work passion but I have found a job that allows me to explore and who knows this new job maybe just what I need to be able to do my really passion, whatever that is.
- SELF-ACCEPTANCE: Being okay with being alone. I never wanted to be alone as the voices in my head screamed too loudly. At least when others were around it was less noisy. I still struggle to this day but less now. I actually enjoy being alone. Being able to be alone with one self has been key to changing my inner voice.
- ENERGY: Realizing how people’s energy affects me and understanding that some of my symptoms were not really mine but others energy. I am like a sponge whenever there is negative or even hyper energy around me.
- FRIENDS: Having a supportive spouse and my go to friend that was there with no questions asked really made the difference in seeing the light. New friends are appearing around me more in line with my energy. I seem to be more open to letting people in these days. I use to run away but that too is changing.
- ACKNOWLEDGE: Instead of forcing things to change, roll with the lows. It’s okay to be down. Accept it for what it is, as it will pass.
- POSITIVE: How you talk to yourself or others really determines what the universe gives you back in life. I’ve slowly started rewriting my story in my head. I tell my story to myself in a more positive, loving way. It’s been challenging after 20 years of telling myself a different story. I started using Positive Affirmations. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit so start saying at least one Positive Affirmation to yourself for 21 days and soon you actually start believing it..:o)
I am sensitive, quiet, introverted, and shy and that’s fantastic. I am who I am. Well, that felt good to write that but believing it is one day at a time. Everyone is unique and that is what makes life interesting and fun, right?
One Quiet Gals Journey…xoxo