Reflection

As I sit here, in Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia, at a seaside cafe, I feel very blessed and thankful.  It’s taken me along time to get to this spot but I wouldn’t change a thing.  My heart and eyes are open to all the beauty around me and I like what I see. Sure, life still throws me curve balls and my mom is sick but it’s all in how I’ve chosen to deal with lives ups and downs.

A year ago, I left a job that I should have left 10 years ago too pursue another career. I had no expectation but was just happy I was no longer at a job that was draining all my energy. As I look back, I’ve gotten so much more than I ever expected. I could never have done this with out the love and support of my spouse. For his patience, kindness and belief in me when I did not. :o**

I decided to focus on me this year…to be okay with me, to be okay with hanging with myself, to be happy and grateful for life’s journey….it has had it’s ups and downs but life is like that. Everyday I wake up and thank the universe for those special people in my life that have stuck with me and believed in me. I also believe that mom getting sick has helped me look at life differently and appreciate every moment as it comes because you just never know.  Live in the NOW!!!!

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. From the darkness to the light…I choice the light and to shine my light.

Live in the NOW!!

Live in the NOW!!

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French Fries

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending some quality time with my mom. Her dementia is getting worse. She can no longer communicate with me. I have to constantly try to figure out what container she is referring too.  There are moments where I think she knows me but those moments are getting fewer and fewer.

We went on a country drive through Nova Scotia. It was a really hot day, with no air conditioning in our car, yet mom insisted on wearing her coat. I was sweating in a tank top so; I can’t imagine how warm she must of felt.  After our drive we went to one of her favorite spots to eat, A&W. Everything was going well until I ordered my own French fries.  This was apparently not how her and Dad ordered. She promptly took them from my hands and took my French fries back!!!!

This is funny in so many ways if you’ve ever eaten with me. I absolutely love French fries and I will share them with you but I am not a huge fan. Some would call me the French fry lady. :o) So, when mom insisted on returning my fries because it was not her routine it was a bit of like WHAT??? I reluctantly let her return them and smiled to myself.  I guess moms always know best!!! :o)

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. Go with the flow…look for the little things that make you smile.

Posted in Alzheimer, Caregiver, childhood, dad, Dementia, memory, Mental Illness, perspective, routine, Smile, the little things in life | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Home Sweet Home

Home sweet Home…or is it…my mom has dementia and she doesn’t know me. My sister is home with her family and she doesn’t know me. My dad is home struggling to care for my mom and he doesn’t know me.  Home has changed. I have changed.

I’ve been home in Nova Scotia for a week now. I’ve seen some great friends and shared lots of laughs but family on the other had has been full of stressful moments.  I am struggling to keep my anxiety in check, to not fall back into old negative thoughts and be the woman I know I have become.  I am having conversations in my head with my family yet I do not speak. One day those words will flow out loud but today is not the day.

Last night, as I lay in bed, with tears in my eyes, rambling positive affirmations in my head and clearing the negative energy all around me I decided I needed a few hours for myself to regroup. I needed to use the positive energy of the ocean to feel at peace with myself once again.  Well, that’s my goal anyway before I go back into my family dynamics.  Wish me luck!!!

Tomorrow is a new day… 10 more sleeps… as I sit here writing this post from a small seaside coffee house; I realize that I forgot to look around me at the beauty of the East Coast and the little things that made it feel like home.

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. One Day at a Time…I am enough…home is where your heart is.

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Will my Mom know Me…

As the days get closer and closer to flying home, I am getting more and more anxious too knowing the answer to a year long question. Will the answer be “YES”?

It’s been a year since I’ve been home. I have not talked to mom since last July. I’ve heard her voice on the other end of the phone but she no longer understands the word “Mom” or “Mom, it’s your daughter!” Dad says she is getting worse and I can tell from the sound of her voice.

So the question remains…Will my Mom know Me…Will I know what to do or say? Will I be strong enough?

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. I am strong enough and will know what to say and do. Right?

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A Strangers Impact

A random stranger’s gesture has left quite the impression on me. Is it true what she said?

It all started last Friday evening; with a rainy football game followed by some live music at one of our favorite joints, in town. We all had our pints in hand, listening to the music when this lady approached me to join them dancing. It took a bit of convincing mainly out of fear, shyness and why me. I did get up and dance. It felt awkward but at the same time freeing. I love the feeling live music gives you.

The night was coming to an end but I felt compelled to thank the lady for inviting me to dance with her and her friend. As she was leaving with her boyfriend, she gave me the biggest hug and said something to me that still makes me tear up.  She said, “You have so much love in your eyes, so much love to give. Your aura is shining.”

Ego, I love you but please be quiet…It’s time for me to believe…:o)

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. “Love is everywhere. I am loving and loveable.”

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Self-Talk, Staying in the Positive

Negative self-talk, a repeating record that keeps going and going. Some days I can mute it but other days it is up full blast. I’ve been really working hard this year on changing that tune. I’ve tried many times before but it just never really clicked.

In January, I noticed a shift in my tune so I thought I’d share some of those techniques I’ve been exploring that are working for me (most of the time):

  • Gratitude. Every morning before I put my feet on the floor I say “Thank you for my comfortable bed and for the most magical day.”  I’ve always considered myself thankful but never thought to use it daily. This all started with a book called the “The Magic” by Ronda Bryne. I worked through each daily exercise and now many have become a daily habit.
  • Affirmations. This is my latest self-help technique. I have about 5 on the go right now. I’ve put them in my phone as reminders. They pop-up throughout the day. I do them for 30 days or longer. It takes no time at all to do and I figure the more positive sayings I say to myself the more I believe it. Here are two I say right now: “I approve of myself” and “Love is everywhere, and I am loving and loveable”.  Louise Hay’s is a good resource for working with Affirmations.
  • Vocabulary. Removing certain words from my vocabulary such as should, don’t, I think, Can’t, will…noticing how I talk to people and the words I use.
  • Energy/Angel Work. I haven’t really talked about this much but it has been life changing for me. Only a few friends know I’ve turned to this type of therapy.  It really does deserves it’s own post. To name a few techniques: cutting energy cords, clearing chakras, ask Archangel Michael for protection and using angel cards. I am pretty sensitive to others energy so this has helped manage negative energy I come across.  I still find this a crazy topic but whatever helps me I’ve been going with it.  A great resource is Doreen Virtue.
  • Mirror work. I just read about this one two months ago. Interesting concept to look at your own reflection in the mirror and say something positive. Hard at first, as what I saw in the mirror I did not like. At least once a day I look in the mirror and say, “I love you. I really love you.” or “Life loves me today.” A great resource is Louise Hay’s.
  • Bucket List. Most of my bucket list items are travel but there are also some closer to home. For instance, I am taking a photography course in the fall and working towards a handstand press.
  • Do more of what you love. It could simply be having your favorite cup of coffee at your favorite Cafe, walking your dog or doing a handstand.
  • Being Present, live in the moment. Notice those little things around you that make you smile.
  • Remember how far you’ve come. Every little step counts. Be proud of your accomplishments.

Staying in the Positive is challenging, as the mind is a complicated organ.  In times where I can’t hold onto the positive, I just try to forgive myself for not being how I think I should be and just be. Easier said then done.

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. Here’s to a Magical Day….:o)

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Dandelion

It rained most of the day yesterday. I love the rain. I find it peaceful and calming. It brings me back to childhood memories of watching the rain come down on the lake behind our house and calling our neighbors to go swimming in the rain.

The rain stopped just around the time I was going to take my dog for a walk. I took her to my favorite off-leash park.  It’s my favourite because no one is usually around. There is a pasture with horses and cows roaming, as well as a marsh with ducks and even the occasional beaver sighting.

Random Beauty

As I was walking, I came across a dandelion at the end of its life. It looked so unique that it made me pause and take a picture.

Dandelion’s, you either love them or hate them. Some people only see a weed. I do see a weed when I look at my lawn but on a random pasture when they are all in full bloom – the bright yellow flowers are simply beautiful.  I find there is a uniqueness and beauty about them…similar to life.

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. Always try too look past that weed and see the beauty. What makes you unique?

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Revisiting PAST Activities

Ultimate Frisbee, I am officially out of retirement.  I had my first game of the season this week. I have mixed feelings about joining. I left 8 years ago for personal reasons, which many of my teammates are unaware. The main reasons for leaving were depression and anxiety. A sport that once gave me joy in my 20’s changed to dread in my 30’s. I’d leave feeling worse about myself and dreading my next game. So, why did I decide to go back? Will it be a good decision?

The jury is still out on whether this was a good decision or not. I am a different person but will old habits come back.  Should the past be left in the past? Will what once gave me joy give me joy again?

As I was on the side lines, with my other team mates, some I’ve known for over 20 years, I could feel the anxiety of being there creeping up on me. I could feel my hands start to shake, tears welding up, self expectations, past game disappointments, past conflicts and past feelings of worthlessness.  I stood there so wanting to run away but I took a DEEP BREATH, closed my eyes and brought myself back to the PRESENT…. I’m outdoors, I’m active, I’m seeing and meeting new people, I’m enjoying old friends and new friends…I AM OKAY!

Game 1 done, only 13 more to go…..this will be fun.

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. Enjoy the NOW!! Conquer your FEARS!! Enjoy your two passions: being OUTSIDE and being ACTIVE!! Oh and the team beer after the game…:o)

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REBOOT

Darkness over came me last week. I tried so hard to hold on too the light and that feel good place I’ve been in for months. I went through all my self-help tricks only to make it worse. The thought in my head over and over, like a broken record, would anyone notice if I was gone…yup, not fun and I kept tell myself how crazy I was but it wouldn’t stop.

So why did the darkness come knocking last week? It started with one, two, three negative thoughts. I changed them to positive ones.  I tried going to my happy place but the cycle kept going for a few days till finally the negative thoughts felt like they were being thrown at my head. I just couldn’t keep up.

As I sit here reflecting, I believe it all started with these books I’ve been reading about positive thinking and Law of Attraction. I do believe in the concept but I got myself so worked up about changing my thought patterns and figuring out my passion that when a negative thought came in I thought I was doomed. Fear, worry, self-doubt and loneliness were but a few of those thoughts.  I was putting so much pressure on myself too figure out life that I forgot to be grateful for what I have. For one thing, my beautiful dog I get to walk everyday.

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 REBOOT

New week, new beginnings…new thoughts…BREATH!!

One Quiet Gals Journey xoxo

P.S. It’s okay to feel what you feel, feel it and move on…. JUST BE!! BE PATIENT!! BE OKAY WITH YOU!!

Who am I?

Who am I?

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Beautiful Day

The sun is shining, my laptop in hand, my dog at my feet, a view of the mountains in sight, a slight breeze, buds on the trees, freedom to just be…feeling blessed and grateful at this moment in time. :o)

Focus on the Good

Focus on the Good

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